So, about a week ago I had a crazy dream. I was in some strange place just looking around, trying to pretend I was supposed to be there and trying to figure out why I was. All of the suddy, this dude over at the side started screaming. Like really freakin’ out screaming. The dude was getting turned into a ninja turtle, and obviously it was excruciatingly painful. I didn’t really stick around after his skin started to get shiny green and his head got big and rubbery. I ran up this big set of stairs and out onto the street. Way later on in the dream, I told Marshmallow Pete about this crazy thing I witnessed, and he was all, “Dude, I know that guy! Every thing’s cool.” So I asked him why the guy had made the transformation into a talking turtle, and he explained that the dude had boughten some Colgate that was obviously a bad batch and it screwed him up. So, he wrote the company all pissed off, they sent him some new tooth paste and every thing’s cool now. He’s a turtle man with clean teeth.

Later on, me and MP are at some museum in Chicago or something and we get locked in. Then, a bunch of dinosaurs run in and start attacking us. I’m ninja kicking these lizards and MP is krakatoaing the crap out of some dinos, but there’s not enough karate chops in him or kicks in me to fight off a gang of raptors. Luckily, Marshmallow Pete’s ninja turtle friend shows up and nun chucks em.

-RYAN

1. they invented the spork

2. they would punch the stomach of the pregnant to make sure the weak would not be born

3. they collected their kidney stones

4. after sex the men would throw sticks at mushrooms

5. they would never sell an olive bigger then their testicle

6. they would spit on the albinos (they still do this)

7. dogs are only named by their color

8. John stamos is greek

9. it is good luck when you eat the goats eyes before it stops bleeding

10. orgies are never frowned upon

-MP

soup and chili is a very stong subject. soup was invented by the untouchables from India. chili, on the other hand was a very fine art that was brewed up hundreds of years ago by the Vikings. soup is the poorest food ever and chili is the richest soup on the block! during the great depression there was soup kitchens. the soup kitchen was the lowest point you can get. the soup that fed the low lives of america was the leftover soup the military had after world war 1. as the people were suffering, with there warm water and carrot stems, the rich people laughed at them as they were full of hearty meaty stew. chili is so great, when we dropped the bomb on japan the only thing that was left were untainted cans of delicious chili. the first meal jesus ever had was a heaping pile of chili with a little bit of cheese on top and a peanut butter sandwich on the side. the only thing me and Chuck Norris are afraid of, is the day the world runs out of chili.

-MP

Everybody knows that Leprechauns love gold, especially in coin form. The government couldn’t overlook this valuable information when designing the gold dollar in the late nineties. Gold coinage hadn’t been used for some time in this country, so most citizens would be ill equipped for fighting them. Our country was and is in no shape to risk lives.* Many hours went into researching a counter attack to evil leprechaun greed. Finally, a solution was found by a volunteer historian hailing from Vermont, James Castons. Though knowing very little about European gold grabbers, his extensive knowledge of American Indians led him to an economical evasion to a minting mishap. The answer was simple; leprechauns despise Indians. After many generations, this hatred has transformed into a deep fear in many cases. We know this is folly, for there have been no Indians for at least one hundred years, but leprechauns fear they are hiding, watching… waiting.

Long story short, the government slaps the most terrifying Indian ever conceived by story tellers on the front of the gold dollar, and the rest is history. USA: 1 Leprechauns: 0

* It is common Leprechaun policy to take the skin of it’s victims and sew it into a coin sack or pair of shoes.

-Ryan & MP